I wanted to hate them, but
by anou
Summary: At the age of six Harry Potter found a very starnge and a very carefully hidden letter at his aunt's bedroom. It explians his parents MURDER.
1. Default Chapter

**Chapter one: The shocks **

My name is Harry Potter and I'm going to tell you why I hate the wizarding world. I hate it, I hate those that adore it more, and I hate its governor and politicians the most. Oh, and I'm going to make them pay for what they have done. I'm going to crush them. They are not going to know what hit them until it's too late. Oh, look at me, I'm grinning from ear to ear. Oh, well if you knew what I know, you would have laughed aloud and risked angering Uncle Vernon. Yes, it is better if I don't rush it and tell you all in its right place.

So, here is the beginning:

One of the greatest lessons that the Dursleys taught me is not to ask questions, but to find the answer yourself. You want to know who the Dursleys is. Oh, well, opps…. I should have started somewhere else. Err, okay, so, here it is again:

I live with my mum's sister, Petunia, her husband Vernon and their wale of son Dudley or according to my dearest (please note the sarcasm) auntie pumpkins, Duders, Ickle diddykins, pick whichever you want. Yes, as I'm sure you can guess my aunt and uncle despise me as much as they love and adore their son. Even though Dudley and I are the same age, he is thrice larger than I am. So, when I am wearing his hand me down clothes, I'm wearing very big and off color rags, which is blessing as much as it is cursing. Because it can hide my bruises easily, it has stopped other kids from befriending me, it makes running away from bullies harder, and it makes stealing food and other things easier. It makes neighbors and passengers think of me as a freak with only one look.

The Dursleys first rule is not to ask questions. (I should probably tell you that these rules are only for me.) So, I know nothing about myself until I went to primary school. Nothing, not even my name. They always call me _BOY_. Going to primary school had its own benefits and problems. It was a place for me to learn, and not just reading and writing, but also learning my name, my parents name and my birthday. It was also somewhere outside house that I could be without angering Uncle Vernon. Nevertheless, there was Dudley and his gang that their favorite game was 'Harry and/or anyone who dared to befriend him' the punching bag.

Any way, the exciting part has not begun yet.

One day, when I was six, I was ordered to clean the master bedroom. And I found a very strange letter. It was written on a parchment by green ink. So, as expected I read it. It was about me. It explained how my parents died, why I had a scar, why I was with the Dursleys, what I am and so many other things that I didn't understand at the time and some of which I don't understand even now. I copied the letter and hide the copy under my oversize clothe. Later that evening when I had time, I read it truly. It explained many things and answered many of my questions, but it also made too many new questions. The only things that I understood that day was:

There is a wizarding world.

I am a wizard.

My parents were murdered by an evil wizard who was looking for _me._

This man the writer of the letter, Albus Dumbledore left me at the Dursleys to be** protected**, but I am being abused.

I was famous and adored by many witches and wizards because _I_ vanquished my parents murderer.

This wizard, Albus Dumbledore is going to pay very dearly for this action of his that was against my parents wishes.

For a weak I was in shock. I couldn't think clearly or even do my chores right, so I received too many beatings and nearly no food. After that weak, I was looking for a sign to tell me that it was real. And I really am a wizard. It took me two months for me to find something. It was my mother's school trunk. It was full of books about magic, moving picture of my parents. It was blessing from heaven. I hid pictures in my bedroom, which is the cupboard under the stairs. It became my safe heaven for when I was in pain from beatings or when I became too jealous of Dudley. And the books became my company, my friends. I would bring them to my cupboard one by one and memorized each one. Some of the spells were easy enough for me to do even without a wand. In six months, I memorized all of them, bat it took nearly two year for me to be able to do each one of them without a wand. I couldn't wait for the day it was my turn to go to Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry. I could learn magic and more importantly, I could be away from the Dursleys.

It was not enough crime for the wizarding world that they left me, an orphan boy in an abusive household. No, I had to discover something else and more terrible. Because even though I could blame the Dursleys for my terrible childhood, I cannot blame anyone else but those bastards' wizards and witches. And I hate every one of them. Oh, you want to know what they have done. They have done the most unforgivable act.

One day when I was eight, on Dudley's birthday, I was left with Mrs. Figg, the old widow that leaves in neighbor while they took Dudley and one of his friends to London for celebrating the day. That day one of Mrs. Figg cats was sick. So, Mrs. Figg sent me to play on the back yard instead of giving me the usual tea and cats' album. In that garden, I got my third biggest shock of my life. There were magical herbs. And it wasn't by accident. Some of them, the one with most potential, were cut as though they were being used for something, like some kind of potion. The only reason that I could have had, was; Mrs. Figg is magical. From that day on when ever I would have gone to her house, I would have searched her house to find something to verify my reasoning. It took me a whole month to do it and I found some very disturbing thing. I found she had always added some kind of healing and nutrition potion to my tea, so she knew about my abusive relatives. To add to her crimes I discovered she was Dumbledore's lackey.

But why heal me instead of taking me away from them? Why stand still at shadows and watch them when they are abusing me? Why not encourage me to tell the authorities? Why heal me with magic, so even if I want, I can't tell the authorities?

They may not be the ones that abuse me, but they want me to be abused. Why? Why would anyone be so cruel to let an innocent orphan boy be abused?

I hate them. I hate them. I hate them more than I ever imagined is possible. I hate them so much that whenever I think about it, I cannot even breathe. I hate those bastards.

Even know after two years, I cannot think of any reason that can describe their actions. Even though I know what they hope to accomplish from these unforgivable acts of theirs.

After I discovered the wizarding world treachery, I become obsessed with some way to pay them back. So, I searched for something that could lead me, some sort of sign. And I found it in the Dursleys basement.

**Chapter two: beginning to set a trap**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two: In the basement.**

It has been almost three years since I had the undeniable knowledge of my ancestry and wizarding world. Since then there hasn't been a day that I didn't ask my self why I am still here and haven't left. Day by day, hour by hour, as I gained more knowledge through my parent's old school books, I wondered why I am still here when I can conjure as much of food as I want, when I can go and live in some abounded home and make the muggles to leave it alone and live happily ever after. I didn't know why but I knew there was some outside force that prevented me from being away from them for more than twenty four hours.

Now I am sure you can imagine my hatred when I found the answer in the basement.

That day in the basement, I found a warding stone. I of course, had read about them. It is a very distinguishable stone. It is very colorful. For every ward that it holds, it has a color.

Imagine my surprise. I clearly remember that Dumbledore had written to my aunt that the blood ward that he had evoked to protect me could not be broken because it doesn't have any focus expect the shared blood. However, a warding stone is a very powerful focus. Moreover, you can break it very easily if you are knowledgeable and powerful enough.

I knew what I wanted to do but it was risky because there might be a safe guard to prevent anybody from acknowledging the stone. And then there would be hell to pay for the rocket that I would cause.

But as I know you have discovered I am a very nosy person.

I put my hand on it. "I am Harry James Potter." I said. "Explain your duties for I live within your wards."

Even now two years later I remember the exact wording. It was horrifying The important part was that it shaded some light into this puzzle that Dumbledore has created for me. I didn't understand all of the wards at first. However, I did search for them in the history books. And believe me when I say that I never have and never will find a history book more interesting. Imagine that.

Some of the wards where explainable but some of them, from my point of view were sadistic. Yes, it was plainly cruel and sadistic.

I understand why there has to be a fireproof ward in the house, but why there had to be a ward to keep me from leaving the house for more than a day.??? The sadistic part of them was the ward that prevented any body from knowing what was happening in the house expected selected people that the caster would have allowed.

You want to know what the worst part was. It was that I couldn't do anything about. I didn't have the knowledge or power.

I was doomed to live there, to be beaten, to be hurt, to be abuse until that kind caster of the wards deems it necessary for me to leave this hellhole.

Imagine yourself as a nine year-old abused boy who knew for the next two years he is doomed to live at the mercy of his abuser.

So I started planning, planning for revenge, for a way out. I knew I needed more knowledge first. But no searching and nosing around had any fruit. Even any re-reading of my books didn't do anything good, expect making me learn them by heart. I even risk searching Mrs. Figgs' house but strangely enough, there was not anything new, which in itself is a mystery. I was at my wits end. I read and re-read my parents' old books. But there wasn't anything there that I didn't know already.

Even though I couldn't gain anymore knowledge about wizarding world, I could have planned. And so I did just that.

A very basic and simple plan, to abandon them in their hours of need as they have done to me.

But it wasn't enough. I wasn't satisfied.

After every beating, after every insult, after every moment of unbearable pain, I would start day dreaming. I would imagine some random wizard, a very shocked and hurt wizard that I left to deal with his own problem alone.

And it wasn't enough. It did not ease my pain. It didn't even made some unknown part of me happy.

It just made it worse and I didn't know why.

**Chapter three: At last it came. **


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

I was bored. I didn't have anything new and interesting to do. After those wonderful and magical books, after those wonderful hours of learning and practicing every charms, spells, and potions now I didn't have anything to do. I had learned all books by heart and I had mastered every charm and spell. There was nothing else to do.

Therefore, I started reading other books, muggle books, anything and every thing that I could have reached, first books that the Dursleys had and then the schools library's books, which wasn't much.

After a couple of months, I discovered something amazing._ I_ was having _FUN_. I could feel joy, happiness. Or even better, when I was in pain, I could forget the pain with just a book. I could just let myself melt in the books world and forget that there is anything called pain, jealousy, betrayal…

And I discovered something terrible. I didn't want to be Harry Potter I wanted to be someone else, anybody, someone normal, happy, and more importantly someone free.

I think for once fate decided not to be cruel with me, because as I was at the end of the library's books, my eleventh birthday had come. In those days every morning I went to the basement to check the wards and see if the binding wards has been lifted or not. Then I'd have checked the mails.

The letter came at last but the wards didn't change even one bit. As I had planned I read the letter and made a copy of it, then I sealed it again. Then I did the most logical thing. I gave it to Uncle Vernon between other mails. You should have seen the shade of red that he became. It is indescribable. It was perfect.

Then:

"Petunia" Uncle Vernon started.

"Vernon! Oh no! Oh my goodness- Vernon"

And faster than I could say what, Dudley and I were out of kitchen and listening from behind the door.

Oh, but they didn't decided to do as I expected. They decided to ignore the letter. I knew I should do something or my plan would vanish. Therefore, after tow days of letters coming and them ignoring it, I finally convinced them, anonymously of course, to write back. Then, they wrote a letter that said they, as my Guardians don't want to let me go to Hogwarts. The next day before they can send the letter off, I made two copies and hid them.

However, the funniest moment of them all was when Dumbledore did a very Dursleish thing and ignored their letters. Oh the joy!

Now I am counting the seconds to my eleventh birthday. Moreover, I bet you anything that today is my rescuing day.

I'm eleven. I can't believe it. I have lived this long without being killed by Uncle Vernon or Dursley's gang. I believe I have been born under a cursed star because death would have been blessing.

"bang bang bang"

Did you hear it? I bet you this is a very uneducated, at least about muggles, wizard or else he/she could have used the bell. I'm hearing Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia getting up and walking down the stairs. And right here it is, one of the spiders falling down on my lap. You know, spiders always are such a good company, not as good as snakes, but at least they don't belittle you, you know.

And here I am, walking out of my cupboard. One can never stop wondering how Dudley can still be asleep. I don't think it could be any civilized or dignified person because I can't think of anyone who firstly would come in the middle of night and secondly would bang at the door.

And here we are. As I didn't predict, the door fell down.

Boy, it is huge! I'm not sure it is even human. Wait a second. It is a giant?!?! Now I wonder what Dumbledore hoped to accomplish. I know he can scare the Dursleys. But what about the other things?

"Couldn't make us a cup of tea, could yeh? It's not an easy journey." It was the giant's voice that brought me out of my musing. He had fixed the door and now was looking at us. Now that I think about it, I wish I could have taken some photos. It's not everyday that you see Uncle Vernon wearing boxer and staring with shock and fear, and Aunt Petunia hiding behind him with trembling knees, and Dudley's snores as a background.

"an' here's Harry!" the giant said "las' time I saw you, you was only a baby; yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mum's eyes"

Although I hate everyone who works for Dumbledore, I couldn't help but be the happiest I've been in so long. You know, hearing that you have something of your dead and forgotten parents is always a treasure. My eyes filled with tears that surprised me more than anybody else. As it's the family tradition of the Dursleys, Uncle Vernon jump straight on to my rare moment of joy.

"I demand that you leave at once sir!" he said, "You are breaking and entering."

"Ah, shut up, Dursley, yeh great prune," the giant said.

Then he made his way to the kitchen and sat on two chairs. It's wonder they didn't crack.

We followed him. Although it seemed Uncle Vernon wanted to protests some more but to my most disappointment he didn't. When we were in the kitchen, Aunt Petunia ordered me to make some tea.

And now I'm making tea, you can cut the air because of the tension. I can feel every eye in the room is on me. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia are glaring eyes and the Giant's curios eyes. However, it doesn't matter to me. I'm almost too busy making tea, talking to you and making myself ready for acting ignorant.

And here we are. Tea is served.

"Anyway- Harry," the giant said, turning to look at me where I am standing in a corner of kitchen almost hiding in the shadows "a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summut fer yeh here-I mighta sat on it at some point, but it'll taste all right." And from inside of a pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box.

Such good and blessing rescue, don't you think so. First giving presents, then gaining your trust, then taking you from your tormentors and last but not least doing their dirty work.

Oh, it's a cake. My first birthday cake and a giant human has had sat on it a couple of times. Lovely. Don't you think so.

And so it's going to go through the night…

It's going to be boring and hard. Because it's hard not to laugh at their faces and scream at them that you bastards have the gall to come here and claim to RESCUE me. It's hard and I know they have made me a bitter person. If I were to laugh, my laughter would have sound more terrible than the laughter that haunts my nightmares. Yes, it would have been colder than Voldemort's laughter.

Anyway, I'm going to manage it. I'm going to go through this like everything else that life has thrown at me. I'm going to play ignorant for wizarding world. I'm going to gather enough courage to yell at the Dursleys for keeping information from me. I'm going to play joyful when the giant blows them up for some of their crimes, I'm going to want proof for my magic. And most important of them all, I'm going to play innocent and capable of trust. As if I'm going to trust anybody after this whole shit.

But the disappointing part is the Dudley's not being here. I could have used so much deserved revenge.

Any way I talk to you later and tell you everything. But for now I have to concentrate.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

Hey, here I am again. Now that I'm Hagrid free and back in the safety of my cupboard, I can talk to you.

Now that I have time and knowledge to think thoroughly about it, I have to concede to Dumbledore on his brilliant choice of a rescuer. Hagrid was the best choice as he proved it on the trip to London. First, he is not observant at all. Second, he is loyal to Dumbledore through and through. Third, he is prejudiced against Dark magic, slytherin … he really believes what he speaks of. Forth he is nice, honest, and short tempered. Fifth, his leaking information is easily ignored as his big mouth and no plot behind it, none at all. Sixth, he has a very limited knowledge about my parents and their deaths.

Today Hagrid and I had a very busy day.

First, we went to London. Then off we go to the Diagon Alley. It was very amazing. Then Dumbledore did something that I didn't expect. I got the key of my trust fund vault. Anyway, after withdrawing that Hagrid suspiciously didn't allow me to withdraw much money. Just enough money that by the end of shopping, my moneybag was nearly empty; we went it a high security vault and Hagrid took a very small package for Dumbledore that he didn't want me to know about it. That action alone was a very bad sign. It made me both curious and suspicious. Why would Dumbledore want me curious about something and why would he even think it would work at all? I can't think of anything that would have made Mrs. Figg to report me as nosy person. I know I am nosy and can't keep my mind on my own business but how the hell does he? It seems Dumbledore doesn't trust his own agents. It can make my work easier and harder at the same time. Well, it is as good as it gets.

Anyway, then we want to buy the thing that was on the school list. The way that Hagrid watched over me made me believe that Dumbledore can play people, pull the necessary strings easily enough, and get the perfect reactions he wants. It was okay for Hagrid to let me buy my robs alone but for buying books he picked them for me without considering buying even one extra book, even Hagwarts: the history.

Anyway, after buying everything from books to robes, the last shop was Ollivanders: maker of the fine wands since 382 BC.

But before buying my wand Hagrid did complete his job and give me the legendary speech of slytherins are evil and you shouldn't be one or even trust one. In the other words, the Boss wanted to send me into this new world ignorant but prejudiced. After Hagrid told me his version of slytherin and evil, I was speechless. He truly believed not to trust slytherin based on their house that they have been chosen for at eleven years old. It was sad to see with my own eyes what has become of the wizarding world, the world that Merlin had built with so much effort and bloodshed. It has become the wizarding-prejudiced world. It was a culture going to waste based on a fight between to wizard at least a thousand years ago. Such a shame.

Anyway, finding my wand was truly exiting and wonderful. Mr. Ollivander after explaining, every wand that he could relate directly to me, started measuring me in everywhere of my body that can have measure to be measured. Then he started to give me almost every wand in his shop to examine. It took an hour. I was very nervous and became more nervous with every second that passed. Finally, he said "why not?", left to back of the shop, and brought a very dusty box of wand.

"Holly and phoenix feather, eleven inches, nice and supple, an unusual combination." He said and gave the wand to me.

And I felt the most wonderful and amazing feeling that I have ever felt. It was the security and warmth of a being held in someone's arms, someone that you love and trust. It was the feeling of never being alone anymore. Even though I didn't know this feelings or from where I knew them. I just knew from now on I can depend on this wand even if I cannot depend on myself. When I gave a swish to the wand, a stream of green and red sparks shot from the end like a firework. I could easily extinguish those colors of my mother's hair and eyes. If anything could have given blessing to that wand, it was those colors.

"Curious … curious" Mr. Ollivander said while wrapped My wand into a brown paper. Finally I lost my patient, and asked him what is curious and he told me that my wand is brother to Voldemort's wand. If I wasn't so sure of my wand fitting truly to me because of me and no outside and unwanted forces, I would have bet anything that its Dumbledore's doing.

Right now I cannot think and analysis it, but I should, soon, very soon…

Anyway, after that stunt Ollivander put me through, I was more than ready to go back to the Dursleys. I had enough of adventure for one day. And the wards were calling me back.

I had more planning and thinking to do. I had too many thought on my mind that I was looking forwards to my peaceful cupboard. Now that I have told you the events and reviewed them for myself I can start my plotting. I need a trip to London. but how?


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

You know, as much as I was hoping for it to come, now that it has come, I am shocked, terrified and nervous. But time is flying.

Now I can start action. I can start the first steps of neutralizing Dumbledore's plan and lay my own plans.

Now is the time and I must act.

Oh, you want to know what time it is.

It is September 1st. I know I haven't talked to you for a month. But you have to understand. I was busy. Busy doing what?

Oh, don't you want to know how I spend this month? Well, even if you don't want to know, I am going to tell you. The day after shopping, Mrs. Figg broke her leg over Dudley's bicycle and I did a victory dance.

After Mrs. Figg_ unfortunate_ accident, I was free to come and go as I pleased. The Dursleys were too afraid of me to say anything. And some wizard will come and bring hell to them. As if anyone of them would care.

So, I went back to the Diagon Alley I did have some business to attend to. You know.

First, I went to the Gringrots and I did some enquiry about how it is that I have access to my vault and the Dursleys don't know anything about it. And I learned a very thrilling thing. I have a Magical Guardian who is in prison for betraying my parents whereabouts to Voldemort. I know it is not a happy discovery in itself. But it puts Dumbledore, ministry of magic and the Dursleys at some complicated situation that I am sure that if Dumbledore can use it for his benefits I can use it for my advantage. Such as access to Potter family vault and as much as money that I want without anyone's meddling. Oh, the possibilities are endless.

But first I had to claim the head house title. In order to do so I had to wear the Potter ring and swear by my magic to be loyal to the Potters. I have to say I love this ring. I don't know why but it gives me the feeling of belonging. The amazing part it if you want it can be invisible to anyone without the Potter blood. Potter family vault was full of books, jewelry, weapons, and documents. I took all the books and a set of blades. I want to learn how to use them. With the blades was a parchment that explained it is enchantments. It is work of art. It cannot be used against anyone with potter blood and I am the last of Potters think of the possibilities. It can be summoned with a thought after a throw. You can aim it with your thought, so it can be reaimed after a throwing.

I also refilled my moneybag and went SHOPPING.

I bought a very especial and very necessary vest. It is bottomless and it has three parts. Moreover, it was password protected. And it fitted into the trunk that Hagrid bought for me.

Then I went to the bookshop. I bought any book that I thought would have some use in the near and then some. Of course, I would not leave out my plan. I bought any book that had any relation to the wards. The most thrilling moment was when I found **The book**. I am sure if I say the title you would understand what I mean in an instant. Well, maybe I shouldn't tell you?? Oh, don't fret I will tell you. "If you have secret, protect it with in your mind". See what I mean. Oh, the book is wonder full it describes a very obscure branch of magic that doesn't want anything except focus of mind named Occlamency.

Anyway, I am sure if you want you will read the book yourself. I will go on with my story telling.

After that, I went to one of Potter properties. It was a small cottage in the south of London. I wanted to make sure it is habitable. And it was perfect. Like it was just yesterday that someone had lived there. Then I started to feel the pull of wards. I didn't want to go back there but…

And I came back to this…

After that day, my schedule was set.

Every day before Dursleys get up, I would jog around the neighborhood for the benefit of Mrs. Figg. Then I would make breakfast. After that I would read. Then I would make dinner. Again, I would read until Dursleys would go to sleep. Then I would go to the back yard and practiced Judo, which I had learned at the primary school, one of its benefits, you know. Until I got tired, then I would sleep.

I was busy, wasn't I?

And now that is time to go to Hogwarts.

All my belonging weather it was my parents' or mine are in my trunk by the door. I am waiting Vernon to drive me to the station

And then I will say goodbye to them and I will not see them again, ever again. If only this stupid ward will come down. I will not come back here if I have breath to say no. As soon as the binding was down, I was out of house. For the first time in my life, I feel I am free.

"Bye Aunt Petunia, Thank you for taking me in when I was dropped at your doorstep, Shame on you for the poorest care that you spared to me, Shame on you for the shame that you brought to the Evans' blood. Let whatever honor Evans blood has, punishes you, Petunia, for the pain that you caused your kin." I whispered.

I hoped before this day passes Aunt Petunia suffers for my pain, for my unanswered plea for help.

As I walked after Uncle Vernon to the car, I promised myself to be a better person than they, the Dursleys, could ever achieve to be.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

Now, that I am in Kings cross station and checking the ticket that Hagrid gave me, I wonder what Hagrid was thinking when he didn't give me the instruction to platform 9 ¾. If he believes, as I am sure he does that I am ignorant to this world why didn't he tell me how to get to the platform. And now I am in trouble. I have to find a way to find how to enter the platform without it looking suspicious. Finding a way to find something that you already know is always harder than finding it in the first place, trust me.

And here they are a bunch of obvious wizards and witches. I wonder why they are so obvious and why they are talking about magic stuff so loudly. I smell Dumbledore's nasty smelling shoes.

They are a very odd family. A fat woman with five kids, four boys and a little girl, that all of them have bright red hair and freckles, and I can tell you there is no difference, not even a small one, between two of boys. They have given a new meaning to the identical twins. Believe me.

And here we are. I'm going to my Shy and uncertain personality.

"Excuse me," I said with a very shy and little voice.

"Hello, dear," she said. "First time to Hogwarts? Ron's new, too." She pointed to her youngest son.

"Yes" I said. "The thing is- the thing is, I don't know how to-"

"How to get on to the platform?" she said kindly and saved me from boring myself into dead with my own shy act. After I nodded, she explained to me how to enter the platform. And send me in. For the first time in 5 years, I wished I could've trusted people. She was nice and more importantly she was a mother with red hair. I wish my parents were alive. I need them. Looking around me on the platform 9 ¾, I see every student with their parents or in some cases with their guardians who at least have bothered to accompany them. I can imagine they are standing right behind me; their eyes are shining like Aunt Petunia's did when Dudley was wearing his Smeltings' uniform, but the problem is I cannot imagine their touch of kindness and assurance because I have never experienced one.

I find an empty compartment and put my trunk in a corner, I sit in front of the window and I watch what I long for, someone to say goodbye to. Oh, well it has its own benefits. For example, I'll never feel homesick.

I watch the red hair family until all of boys get in the train and the train starts moving. The little girl runs after the train until it was too fast for her. What I wouldn't give for a sister like her, someone who cares.

"Anyone sitting there?" it was the youngest red-hair boy. I shook my head. He sat down. Ignored him, well I'm shy, you know. While I was looking for a book to read, the door slid open and twins came in. I stopped found my book but continued pretending to search, so I can easily eavesdrop.

"Hey Ron" one of them said. "Listen, we're going down the middle of the train –Lee Jordan's got a giant tarantula down there." Ron winced. I wonder which one he doesn't like, tarantula or this guy Lee Jordan. The other twin elbowed the other one and pointed to me with his head.

"Hey you" the more observant twin said. "Has Ron introduce himself?" I don't like this conversation at all. I don't want to introduce myself. I shook my head and close my trunk, open my book and start pretending to read. As my luck wanted to prove its poor again, the twins didn't get the hint to shut up.

"We are Fred and George Weasley and this is Ron our little Brother." One of them said. I nod my head as a greeting, after all, I was still hoping they would leave well enough alone, and return to my book. But Ron interrupted me.

"Aren't you going to introduce yourself?"

"James" I mumbled very fast and put my head behind my book again. Ha, take that luck. After all my middle name is still my name. The stupid twins proved to be the smartest of those three and finally take the hint. They left me alone. This Ron guy though, is a completely different matter. He is the nosiest, the loudest and the most unintelligent that … well I would have said that I have ever had the misfortune to meet, but I have met the Dursleys, so…

Oh, no, he couldn't take a hint. He just sat down on the opposite seat. And started talking to himself, I believe, considering that I was pretending to read a book. Although in almost an hour, he managed to tell me his whole family history, from his father to his little sister, from his career choices to his distance Squib cousin's job in the Muggle world. It was… illuminating.

Although it took him almost two hours to take the hint, he didn't disappoint me, and finally took it. In the blissful silence, I started to actually read the book.

As much as I enjoy reading… /what a beautiful sentence. I really have something that I enjoy./ any way I was saying:

As much as I enjoyed reading, I couldn't concentrate. I was curious. I wanted to know about this world and its people. I put my book away and got out the compartment. At first, I was intimidated. It was scary, too many people and not enough distance between them and me. After a while of hovering at compartment's door, I as always over come my fear. I just needed to exercise my profession, being unnoticeable. I just observed them. They are just a bunch of stupid, over excited, spoiled, carefree, normal teenagers, whom I'm jealous of. I want to be one of them, but fate, the bitch, has given me a lemon and … I try and try to make lemonade, but it just keeps on giving me more lemon and not enough sugar.

Anyway, listening to their conversations was educational. You want to know how could listening to some kid babbling about his summer to his friend be educational. Well I give you some examples:

If I want to read a newspaper, I can easily justify it by saying it's for Quiditch news. Or right now wizarding world is at peace and nothing especial has happened for a long time.

When I saw the trolley lady coming, I went back to my compartment. I saw that Ron guy had left. As the saying goes, the less the merrier. I bought a little of every candy that she had and put them in my trunk. I am full. I had a full British breakfast, courtesy of the Dursleys' fear of some unknown wizard that cares about me. Imagine that.

I went back to my book. Sometime in the late afternoon, that Ron guy came back. Really, that guy can talk! And he just talks nonsense. It's as if he just likes to hear his own voice very much. After about an hour of Ron's talking, we finally got there.

I just couldn't believe it. I was here at last. After so many hours, days, weeks, months, years of dreaming, hoping and pleading to whichever God that is out there, I was finally away from the Dursleys for real. No more beating, no more painful nights alone in the cupboard, no more…

Oh, god. I am free of them at last. I know there is more to come; it may even be worse; BUT it wouldn't be them, my own blood.

I want to jump, to dance, to yell my happiness. However, it is not the time. We had arrived at Hogwarts, and the rest of my damned life is ahead of me.

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Thank you for your reviews. They are lovely. But none of you is even close to what I have planned for Harry. Keep Guessing. You might get it right.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7:**

I don't know why, but entering Hogwarts gave me the feeling of contentment. It was like I was at last where I was meant to be.

I love that feeling. If I could just keep it for ever …

Here I am, standing in the middle of the most famous Great Hall in the wizarding world, with its enchanted ceiling which really shows the outside sky.

And there he is, Albus Dumbledore. There is the greatest sorcerer in the whole world, really imagine that.

I just waned to kill him there and then. How I managed to keep attentions from myself, I don't know. But I know it took all my training in keeping my face avoided of all emotions, my mind out of my body that made it possible. Sometimes in my crazy mind I think I'm in debt to the Dursleys for their hard training in self control, and then the sane part of my mind brings up the whole package of memory and I feel I have paid the debt with pain, suffering and blood.

And then it sang. And I mean IT sang. A hat, an old dirty hat. The song was hilarious but it was informative enough. We had to put on the hat to know which house we belong to.

You know, after reading those many books I consider myself knowledgeable enough to tackle this world, but an old thinking hat has had me lost. I can't think what kind of magic could be used to create such a hat. A hat that can judge your character, and tells which house will suit you best. I am nervous. I don't I can pass, maybe the Dursleys are right and I am just a freak after all. You know what this means? Research. Yes, I have found something interesting to research and I think Hogwarts library is just the place.

Anyway when my name was called, as expected the whole Great hall went into a gossiping mode. "Did it say Harry Potter?" "The Harry Potter?" stupid teenagers.

When I put on the hat, it was …

There isn't any word to describe it. So I just tell you the exact conversation:

When I put the hat on, it fell on my eyes, I had to close my eyes, at least I know it could do with some sort fitting charm. And then a voice, a bloody voice was in my head. It was speaking to me or to itself I didn't know.

"What do we have here, let me see." It said. I don't know how, but somehow everything that has happened to me.

"You should know, dear child, you are not a freak." It said.

"What are you talking about?" I said. I was really confused, how could anybody or in this case anything see everything about me, and do not think of me as a freak? How? You tell me!!! It must be delusional, but it didn't fit to the picture. Nobody would put an insane hat to sort students.

"It would take time but you will believe it.' It said. "But I can't do anything about it as I am just a hat after all. And my only duty is to sort students. You have a very big plan for your future. Let me see where to sort you that would help you more. You are very loyal to those you think deserve it. Helga would be proud. You have plenty of courage and Godric would have admired you. You are very cunning and ambitious and you know the snakes, so Salazar would have wanted you. And you have the mind and thirst for knowledge that would make Rowena look like a curious kitten. So decide for yourself child which house you want, for you would fit into all and would make the best of all."

I was stunt. Decide for myself. It really was hard. Huffelpuff would make everyone underestimate me at first, but it would loose it advantage after first encounter. Gryffindore would make me Dumbledore's Golden Boy, so it was out, even though I am sure it would have made my parents proud. Slythrine would help me learn about snakes and bunches of other grate stuff, but because of prejudiced people, it would make every bloody person in this continent suspicion. So it will remain Ravenclaw, the only one that I can't find anything negative about.

"Ravenclaw then it is, child." It said. "Would you make a deal with me, child?"

"Huh?"

"I will give you something that you will need and benefit from; in exchange you promise me something." It said. "Will you?"

"A gift? A promise? … If it is worth it, well yeah." I said.

"I will give you the gift of natural occlumancy "it said."And then you would be able to put a shield around your mind without arousing suspicions and it will last through every situation that you will find yourself in, I exchange you will promise me to try to trust again."

"Trust someone?" I said. After everything that has happened how could I trust? I trusted my teacher and it just got me a sever beating for talking about the beatings that I deserve and my dearest relatives would do the honor.

I trusted that neighbor kid, it got me an other sever beating for daring to talk to Dudley's friend and making him look bad at neighborhood.

I trusted Dudley about the food and he just lied that I stole it from him and ….

Too many times I tried trusting people and it always made my life worse. The neighbors named me liar, the neighbor's kids ran away from me like I am a disease, the teachers…

Finally I learned to deal with everything alone and never ever trust anything even I sometimes couldn't trust my own body.

And now that bloody hat wanted me to trust again.

I can't. I know I can't. I was shivering. I couldn't breath. I knew that I was having a panic attack.

"Breath child. Deep breath. Don't panic." it said. "I just want you to know that there are still people out there worthy of trust. Trust them slowly and with little things but learn to trust, because nobody can take on life alone especially yours. You can not take this burden through your whole life alone. You should share it. It will make it bearable. You think right now your life is the most complicated that it can be but it will get more complicated. It's the life philosophy, child. You can not carry on alone.

"No, thank you. I will carry on alone. At least if I break, it will be my own doings, not others." I said.

"Consider it this way child, that if you trust somebody, it will be your doing as well for putting trust where it was not due." It said. "Consider it child. You will not loose anything but just promising to TRY to trust. Just try."

"Ok" I said.

"A word of advice dear child: choose wisely" it said. "RAVENCLAW" it yelled.

But I wasn't listening to it. I was t tired to even function anything remotely normal. I was exhausted. I didn't have any energy left. I was scared. In a singled day I gained more than I would have ever hoped for but I wasn't sure I had paid the right price. Even know I couldn't decide. You tell me, was it worth it?

I don't remember more of that day's events. I don't know how I ended up in Ravenclaw tower and got into a bed. I was tired. I wanted to sleep. Truthfully I wanted to sleep forever.

If only life had any kindness….


End file.
